This has been by far the worst few days I’ve ever experienced. Don’t get me wrong, I knew something like this was coming, but I am completely blown away. I was doing OK until whatever happened in Scotland got to me, and initially I thought I was coming out of it (on the way home I actually felt OK for much of the journey, despite physical illness signs).
But all of that has caught up with me, and I think it comes down to having nothing in reserve both mentally any physically. While I’ve made some small improvements, the fact that I’ve had medical visits every day this week says a lot, and there’s another one on the cards tomorrow.
Part of the problem is that obviously I have terminal cancer, so that shades everything. I know that even if I do get ‘better’ from this, it won’t be back to the state I was before, probably even feeling how I did when we were in Glasgow – which just seems like a dream now. But in addition I’m now on a lot of medication and the antibiotics are definitely taking their toll. But needed as I was running nearly a 40 degree temperature at one point (I’m pleased to say that is now normal).
I’ve cried a lot. I’ve been broken by this – there have only been a few times since January when I’ve just wanted to go, and three of them have been this week. This morning I woke up (after getting up and watching a video) and was disappointed. This is not good. I’ve changed to differerent medication which is allowing me to sleep a decent amount (which I’m sure is helping), and also finally relented and taken oromorph for the first time which while it means I’m not in constant pain does mean I’m drowsy. I can’t imagine being able to drive ever again, and that’s another little nail placed.
I’m also at the point where I don’t want to talk to anybody at the moment – which I know is a low point. I’m nearly through the antibiotics which I guess is good, but my energy levels are so low that I’ve only managed to pick up the laptop and type this and some other stuff for about an hour today. But I did ‘make’ my own lunch (OK, microwave it), and I’ve not done that since the weekend.
I felt mentally the same when I was in Southampton Hospital – just crying a lot for no discernible reasons, but unable to talk a lot of the time. I’m hoping that my strength will build a bit after the weekend, and that I’ll be able to feel slightly more human. But right now even though I probably feel as good as I have done all day, I still feel pretty terrible and intimidated by what currently lies ahead – dinner.
This all sounds terribly negative, and I’m sorry. But I said I would be honest about where I was with this at any point, and right now, this is where I am.
