When looking at the situation I’m in, T and I have often made the comparison of two situations.
“Bus People” – i.e. someone who gets hit by a bus on a given day (in my case, January 13th), and dies straight away. And the other category:
“Timetable People” – as I am, someone who has been given a rough (estimated) timetable, and has some idea what’s coming.
Both of these have quite different outcomes, and their own difficulties. I can’t sleep this morning (it was 5am when I started this), and it’s been going through my head, so i thought i’d put some words down to at least try to empty that bit out and see if I can get some much needed rest.
Bus People. Assuming that it’s instant and effectively painless, being a bus person has a significant advantage. It’s instant and (hopefully) effectively painless. But only for the person who is going through it. Whatever awaits them (depending, IMO, on their belief system) will be there for them. And that is it. But for those around them, there is utter mayhem. The unexpected. The dealing with the short- and long-term practicalities of losing a loved one, friend, partner, parent or child. All of the regrets of the unsaid things. Or the said ones. All of the loose ends not tied up. All of the information missing – some emotional, some practical, some legal – which would make the following processes easier to deal with. And then, of course, there’s just the shock that someone you took for granted just isn’t there any more. It’s less so when it’s kind of statistically expected (such as with an older person), but we’re talking about sudden death here, not a known ilness. It just always seems worse to me when it’s a kid when they had so much potential time in front of them, and will never get to see any of it.
Bus People (with the provision of it being instant and painless) have an instant transition and hopefully no time to see it coming. But unless they have everything in order, there’s a big mess left behind – some of it will be inevitable, even if they had the planning ability of someone who actually could see the future.
There is of course an in-between bus-person who maybe survives the incident, but doesn’t have long to live – days or maybe a week. This is not long enough to get everything done, and would be a terrible location to be in. I thought I was in this category initially, but clearly wasn’t…. because I’m:
Timetable People – this is my case. It’s quite the opposite in some ways (although, still statistically could be bus person at any point!). It’s not instant, it’s long-winded. Mine isn’t particularly long-winded (as of writing it’s been about 4 1/2 months) and it won’t be anywhere near that long again. In terms of whatever awaits afterwards, it’s all the same as for a bus person (in my case, I don’t think there is anything waiting for me after my death, FTR). But the huge advantage of being in this situation is that you have time to put things in order that you wouldn’t do otherwise. You can try to arrange as much as possible in terms of legalities and practicalities which mean the future for your loved ones will be as pain free as possible. That stretches from ensuring that wills are right, up to date and in place, through making sure everyone knows your intent and desires for the future plans that may be relevant. All of this is in place as much as it can be, and a secure financial future awaits T which is a great consolation in an otherwise awful situation.
But much more. You have time to spend with the people you love the most. You (depending on your medical situation, as outlined elsewhere here) may have time to do some enjoyable things before your body isn’t capable of doing so any more. I’m trying to do that as much as possible, but each day it is getting harder and I’m pleased I did the ‘big things’ as soon as I possibly could as I know they wouldn’t be an option now.
You have time to make peace with the world, and to tell those you love how much you love them, and how important they were to you – and indeed if you can handle the bandwidth, they can do that in return. That can take all sorts of different forms, whether it’s verbal or physical. And that’s OK.
One of the great tragedies of the way that we pass is that so much information is lost between generations. I’m no genius, but I know a lot of stuff. And a lot of it is relevant stuff that I know or can do that has been useful in making sure those who I care for can have a better standard of life than they would otherwise – fixing things, making things, knowing how not to get ripped off, a myriad of information that will be lost to time in the not too distant future.
I’ve tried to document the most important bits of this privately (such as things about how the house is plumbed, wired, what maintenance needs doing and when, etc), but it’s such an enormous task that it’s overwhelming and can become depressing, making me feel like I’m abandoning T to the wilderness, even though in reality she’s capable, strong and independent and able to do 99% of these things herself or know when to get someone in. Some of the entries on this blog are in lieu of conversations I’d have with the kids at some point, if they were interested, on topics that are important to me. They’re categorised as such and obviously skippable if you’re not interested.
Most important thing, in this category, though? Passwords and access to our accounts and bills. I’ve seen the utter practical mess that not having all that in place can leave someone in, so all of that is taken care of 100%. Bills paid from joint account. Passwords shared via our password manager. Boring, practical stuff that will mean maybe 0.5% less mental loading next year will take place. I know a family member who was totaly adrift when their partner died as they had access to none of this – didn’t really even know what bills there were let alone how they were paid and who to. This is something that brings me peace.
Which is a good job, because there’s a massive personal price for being a Timetable person.
Every morning, I have to get up, realise that I’m dying (yes, it still hits me most mornings, particularly if I’ve had a dream where I’ve found a cure), and that I’ve got to leave this world. Against my will. Leave the person I love the most and the family I never thought I’d ever have who I love dearly. Who I wanted to spend the next 20 years watch developing and having kids (or not!), and becoming the adults I know they will be great at being.
Each day something new reminds me of another aspect of future life that I won’t see (yesterday, it was what Eddie will be doing next year after he takes a year off which left me in silent tears at dinner). Every morning when I get up and see T for for the first time. Or she kisses me goodnight and tells me I’ve made her proud with something I’ve done that day. Or I change the oil on the camper and realise ‘last time you’ll ever do that job’. There was a lot of “last time you’ll ever do X” in the early days, and it still happens most days. But it was constant, initially. I’ve tried to switch that round to “first time you’ve done this since Jan 13” and that works for a lot of things, but not everything. It’s still painful and gets me every day at some point.
It’s not a trade I’d make to be a bus person (and no, I’m not planning on making myself one either), but the time has come at a considerable cost. And the same is paid by T in her own way – she has to effectively see me leave every day, knowing what’s happening. I hope that when it does finally happen that it gets easier for her, as then at least you know that it’s done and there’s no more opening of the wound to happen. Just healing. Which will never be complete, of course, but can at least start then.
Anything to take away from this for anyone who’s not in either position (although anyone can be a bus person on any given day)?
GET A WILL WRITTEN. This is so much more important than I thought before this. It needs to be clear, up-to-date, legal and well thought out. Don’t over-complicate it, and don’t horse trade things of different values with different family members. They will have to deal with the consquequences when your idea of ‘having that flat for 3 years means you don’t get this thing ever’ turns into a life-long feud.
GET LIFE INSURANCE. Mine has been the difference between really, really not being able to provide a secure future for T after I did and having no real idea what would happen. They have paid out early, and the money is in the joint account, earning interest, for the day when the will is executed and T needs the money. The peace this bought is well worth £8.63 a month.
HAVE A FOLDER WHERE EVERYTHING IMPORTANT IS. This can be virtual (all ours is stored as computer documents), or an old-fashioned folder, but where all the bills and accounts are, and who they are kept with. If the wrong name is on the account, it can be a nightmare getting swapped over, taking potentially months.
MAKE SURE PASSWORDS ARE SECURELY STORED. Use a password manager, and share vital passwords like this between you so you an both access any important online accounts.
MAKE SURE BILLS COME FROM A JOINT ACCOUNT. Argue between you who contributes what if you want (spreadsheets make sense here, and we just decided to do it pro rate on income and usage), but just make sure its all paid from there. Then if the worst happens, the bills can still get paid. Another practical thing to not have to think about at a time when everything will be a burden.
Sermon over.
